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Lens of the Pen

The Pen has its own lens. Believe it or not. It sees the unseen. It unveils mysteries. It opens closed lids. It writes both the seen and the unseen.

I messed up… BIG TIME!

I am 26 years old and a Pastors Kid. Let me confess something… I fell in love with an 18 year old guy. We were together in the church. We are in the same ministry for over 5 years now. I saw him grew up. I saw him attend the Sunday School classes. I never thought of this guy until I have gotten to know him better over a year ago. I think, he was around 13 when he became part of the Music Team. I have been in the team for three years before he came along. Every week we meet but we occasionally talk.

That changed when he was around 17. Nagkataon na nagkakwentuhan kami while in a bus. For five hours we were just having a good conversation. We happened to get to know more about each other from there. That’s when I started to finally notice him and admire his personality. I admired his sweetness towards his sister and mom. I admired his perseverance to play the bass and the drums. I admired the way he can put up a conversation with me. I admired his gentlemanly manners. I admired his thoughts and the way it flows in his young mind.

After that moment, I never intended to get private conversations. We usually do it every time I wash the dishes. So, nagkakataon lang. I admired him but never did I do something to get his attention or take his time from friends and from the ministry. If anyone will check our chat conversations people will know that we don’t usually chat all the time. We never set time and places to spend time with just the two of us. It was always with other people. After all, there are no chances to talk exclusively because the other members of the team should get a fair share of my time. But many of them witnessed how I smiled when he’s around. Some even observed how I light up every time I see him. I frequently ask him the same question that I ask with others, “Kamusta ka?”. Never in my mind crossed the idea of telling him my admiration because there was no room for that. Yet I did tell him how I enjoy conversations with him. And, we usually talk about not love but about random things… “what we think about this and that”, “our spiritual life”, “our testimonies” or updates sa families namin particularly sa kanya.

He was just different from the other guys that I know. Some are older than him but not as mature as him. For over a year, I prayed that may the admiration eventually fade.  Tuloy ang buhay, ang ministry, ang work at iba pang responsibilites. Our interaction was as normal as the others. There were times back then na hindi kami nagkakausap. Ilang buwan din yata na halos wala kaming chat conversation. Hindi ko rin sya hinahanap hanap sa tuwing busy ako sa work. But yes, I light up kapag nakikita ko na sya.

Chill lang ang admiration na yon until this June na napansin ko ng dumidiskarte siya. I enjoyed his diskarte so I did not guard my heart and went along with it. Until July came at umamin na sya. He confessed, thinking na matitigil na rin siya sa admiration niya. MY FAULT? Umamin din ako at naging MU (Magulong Usapan) kami.  I thought that was a form of release din. But I eventually sought na maging masaya with keeping him around. Nabulag ako and I’ve been dumbfounded with the ‘kilig’ brought about by his confession. I enjoyed his attention yet I know that there are limits so I did not demand his time and attention lalo na kapag nasa school siya. He believes that I deserve those but I know na hindi ako dapat ang priority nya. We only chat in the early morning or in the evening kapag pwede sya. He occassionally chats kapag nasa school because we both agreed na mas dapat nya pang ayusin pag-aaral nya not for me but for his family. There was one-time na gusto nya ako alalahanin but we made a deal na priority niya pa rin family niya. So, I didn’t demand him to reach me out especially kapag may kailangan sya gawin with his family.

I, on the otherhand, started looking for work again and enrolled to a class. Technically, we decided to act better in our own responsibilities so we won’t drown ourselves with exclusivity especially because there’s still a lot going on in his life. BIGGEST FAULT? We never told our parents about this. Not one of our family members know about us.

He said that our ‘magulong relationship’ will just be for the meantime. He did that because he doesn’t want na maiwan ako sa ere. Two weeks after our confession, we escalated from being MU to MMU (Mas Magulong Usapan) because we eventually allowed ourselves to hug and kiss. ANOTHER MAJOR FAULT? We skipped our concept of making God the center of everything.

On the third week of our foolishness and stupidity, someone saw us kissing. I guess, that was God’s way of waking us up from our dreamy state. Because of that, he decided to immediately stop everything. I did not stop crying that night. Why? Because I love him. My feelings intensified when he started making diskarte. Hindi ako handa to let go but I know I should and my selfishness was wrong. Minsan lang maging selfish pero hindi pa rin pwede. Even if I’ll tell myself na makakahanap ako ng guy within my age, I cannot yet process the idea in my head that I will let this guy go. As much as I wanted to wait, he wanted to fix things na rin for the sake of both of us. I know that he was right. Our relationship with our families, our relationship with our team and the youth and the church are at stake.

The next day I confessed with two of my closest and most trusted team members. They were okay with “us” but they said that we really failed with keeping it from the people who should have known it in the first place. My sister said the same thing but of course she was momentarily disappointed because I hid it from her. She even said that if I truly love the person… “Maging selfish ka naman, ate”. Yet I know, I must let go because if I truly love the person I should let him fix his things first. There were others questioning me kung bakit ko siya pinatulan, sabi nila… “I am old enough to know right from wrong.” Some trusted me so much so they did not expect such failure from me. Was it wrong to fall in love with a guy younger than I am?

In all honesty, gusto kong tanungin… If he was my age will they question me like this? He passed the checklist except for one… his age. Not religion, not estate… it is HIS AGE. Some of my friends say that ‘age doesn’t matter’ kaya okay lang for them. Moreover, he is a Christian and he is in the ministry. And, they both knew us so well. They have witnessed our stories before the past month happened, so they understood. They observed that we had feelings for each other but we did not confessed early on. It took us a year before we fell into the trap. We failed because we kept it as a secret from everyone. I failed because I chose to be selfish that time and did not think of what others might actually think.

We decided to go back to our normal lives and end that episode of ours. But I know, nahihirapan pa rin siya because he wanted so badly to tell it to his family. Ako rin, I had to deal with people that I owe the story especially my Father who is our Pastor. I am brokenhearted but I need to move forward. I wanted so badly to help him confess since this is all my fault. If I did not confess my feelings to him that night, none of these will ever happen. If I just acted as the bigger person, none of these will ever happen.

I wrote everything because I wanted to let the people see the big picture not just the excerpt of the story from those who told them. I wanted to let them see my timeline and my thoughts. I cannot please everyone but I hope they realize na tao lang din ako. Natatanga din ako sa pag-ibig. Kahit na gaano ka pa talaga katatag babagsak at babagsak ka if you will not guard your heart. Everyone falls at times. In my case, this is that time. I do not regret that I fell in love with him. Right now, I still love the guy and I am still hurting. I only regret that I did not deal with this relationship properly. I should have respected our parents more than anything else. We should have had waited on God’s next move for the both of us. We had been giddy excited with our feelings that we fail to look outside and seek the ultimate Writer of the story. We had been selfish and tried to be happy on our own terms.  I know, I cannot turn back time but if I could do so, I would have waited and prayed for us.

I miss him… sobra… but I know I deserve to suffer like this. There are a few people na hindi ako naiintindihan… yet I guess I also deserve that. I am still in pain. Sobrang sakit. Funny. This is the first time that I have to sleep in the middle of the day just so I can escape the sadness. And now, I understand the pain they were saying kapag gumigising ka sa umaga. Yung feeling na, sana hindi ka na lang nagising and you feel lost? It was a weird feeling. I am letting God mend my heart right now. Hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan yung sakit but I have to deal with the pain while dealing with the mess. Lesson learned sa isang masakit na paraan but I deserve that.

Hindi laging mataas ang lipad ko. Sumasadsad, nagkakamali at nadadapa rin ako.  What I am simply asking is a chance for forgiveness and an opportunity to fix the mess. I have been always generous with my time and resources to other people. Halos ngayon na lang ulit ako naging selfish para sa sarili ko pero hindi pala talaga pwede at hindi pala talaga tama.

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Why am I hooked with “AlDub” and “Kalyeserye”?

I feel the need to share my thoughts. I am never a fan of any Filipino celebrities. I share the same sentiment of many who will choose American series or Korean dramas over Teleseryes because my rationale tells me that Filipino scripts and dramas are too much ‘maarte’ or ‘hindi na realidad’. There are a hundred times when I criticized Filipino films because of the content and the script (Not indie. I LOVE FILIPINO INDIE FILMS). I am not a fan either of LOVETEAMS. They are too “pa-cute” for me. I love being a Filipino but I do not find Philippine entertainment, interesting or entertaining anymore. Sorry, please do not bash me for saying that. Philippine entertainment is just so ‘shallow’ in my opinion. But I guess, all of that changed after witnessing the very first episode of EB’s Kalyeserye. And now, the Kalyeserye is 2 months old. Every day I would ask myself, WHY AM I SO HOOKED WITH THIS THING?!

Kalyeserye is PURE GENIUS. This is a different take from the traditional shows and programs of the entertainment industry. And guys, you should know, that our television at home is tuned in to ‘Dos’ every morning, afternoon and evening. So, I am not familiar with new actresses and actors of GMA that emerged right after Encantandia and first batch of Star Struck. But Kalyeserye changed all that. Actually, being familiar with “Maine Mendoza” as the Dubsmash Queen changed all that. At first, I thought she’s one of the ‘papansin’ few in social media. After watching all her dubsmash compilations… shoot! I just had a girl crush… She is SO COOL! One day, I saw a post in FB and saw Maine with Wally and Jose in “Juan For All, All For Juan”. Saktong-sakto because that was the day when she was surprised with Alden on the other half of the screen. Dahil doon, since day one, I’m a fan. Nahihiya pa ako to tell about it to anyone, at first. But I started tweeting and reading comments after comments. I became active in twitter and followed Alden and Maine’s account. It’s a different feeling for me because my girl crushes were all from Hollywood (Nina Dobrev, Keira Knightley and Blake Lively). O tapos ngayon, Filipina celebrity talaga?! That’s weird for me.

But as they all say THERE IS MAGIC BETWEEN THESE TWO that we cannot fathom. I’m not the only fan who testifies that this is the first time that a Filipino segment or celebrity has caught their attention this much. So, there’s really something.

Amidst the so-called twitter ‘war’ that has been going-on, I read the tweets and watched the other just for fair judgement. But I would still prefer Kalyeserye. There are a number of reasons why, but I’d like to share only five:

  1. Since Day 1, this has been my (and even some of my churchmates and officemates) stress reliever. I cannot exlain why am I smiling while watching every episode of Kalyeserye but yes, call it CORNY all you want. But it warms my heart and it feels sooooo good to laugh because of JoWaPao’s ‘banat’. And that ‘kilig’ that we actually don’t know where its coming from makes me forget that I’m single. Oh, the AlDub effect!
  2. I love Maine (period). I am 4 years older than Maine but I admire the lady. I’ve read her blogs, her ask.fm and stalked her twitter and instagram. She usually writes “my only talent is dubsmash”… Oh, yeah? Then how can you even play drums without training. Damn girl, YOU CAN ACT! YOU CAN EVEN SING! Tapos, “no talent” HWAW. Well, that’s just it, her humility (kahit obvious naman that she really can) is so appealing. She got the charm, yes. But there are a lot of celebrities who got that as well. But how many celebrities can you actually see smiling so genuinely and so natural like hers. We should also take note, that’s she’s even more beautiful when she doesn’t have heavy make up. Her smile can truly “Launch a gazillion ships”. She’s smart and CAN actually write ( I do hope for a book in the future). And my best description would be, walang ka-kyeme kyeme. OA KUNG OA. So what? That’s one reason we fell in love with her. She can bring on the table, the real ‘she’ even if the eyes of the whole nation and even her crush is on her. Kahit pa humiga sa daan at sumandal sa pader na… (alam nyo na ‘yun).
  3. The Love for her Lola. There are a thousand Filipino stories of parents going abroad, grandparents replacing the role. In reality, most of those kids have gone astray. But in this serye, her devotion to Lola is just so endearing. That’s a true Filipino character right there on our TV screens. (Hindi yung mga pabebe na kontrabida). Lola Nidora is just like our parents, super higpit, ang daming bawal, dapat may ganito, dapat may ganon. But at the end of the day, they were only doing that because of love and because they truly care. And in this series, despite of ‘kasungitan’ ni Lola, Yaya stays by her side. Isn’t that a good lesson that we should all learn to stay right beside the people who took good care of us despite of all the circumstances because at the end of the day… They are still your family.

 

  1. As I’ve said, this is PURE GENIUS. I am a Broadcast Communication graduate, quite familiar with ins and outs of production. ‘Nakakapagod ang mag-prod’. But people, THIS IS LIVE! So this is even harder. I always wonder how they are going to end this or to sustain the story? That mystery always invites me to watch the Kalyeserye. Even the term “KALYE-SERYE”. Did we had something like that before? No. We had teleserye, telenovelas… But KALYESERYE??? This is a modern take of Street theater that is being aired on TV. PURE GENIUS! We are witnessing “artists” before our eyes. No “Take 2s”, No Cuts and No Editing!!! ANG GALING! ANG LUFET TO THE HIGHEST LEVEL!
  2. It turns me back to old times. How? Remember when you use to connect everything about you and your crush? How about those times that you’ll run into him/her and you can’t do anything but to melt? Well, not just that. It made us realize the sweetness of waiting and the sweetness of courting the “Filipino way”. Aminin mo? Gusto mo rin masuyo like what Alden does if someone came along? We are all exhausted with past relationships and even issues that are pointless, but this Kalyeserye, as they all say, GAVE US A BREATH OF FRESH AIR. It made us go back to old ways of comedy (acting exaggerately) and not those that can actually hurt people. It made us feel good because of the music that we all missed playing on the radio. It made us realize that “Pwede pa pala ako kiligin?” I’ve hear that line many times from my friends and even “Mommies”. And every time you hear that, nakakaproud di ba? Na maging part ng something that made history in Philippine Television. Kudos to Creative heads and writers!

Scripted or not, I will never forget that there’s this AlDub who turned my world upside down. Who could ever imagine that there would be an accidental love team? Wala. Let’s all face it. If not for July 16 episode, Maine and Alden’s career wouldn’t be on hype like this. Funny, I just found out a month ago that I already saw Alden with Marianne in person while I was in Baguio a year ago (I think… Carmela Days) but because it’s Marianne whom I only knew, her partner never made an impression on me. But now! Who wouldn’t know the name “Alden Richards” Di ba? Kalyeserye has been a blessing to Maine and Alden, to Eat Bulaga, to GMA, to the entertainment industry and to all the viewers and fans.

Lastly, I just wrote what I know and observed. Kanya-kanya tayo ng choices at gusto. All the things that I wrote here are my reasons for loving AlDub and EB so much (That I even took time to write this) I did not write this to convince people to watch them, I’m simply expressing my thoughts. The ‘twitter war’ that’s going on is seriously ‘nonsense’. Wala dapat pagtapatin, wala dapat pag-awayin. I have my personal opinion to that but I’ll keep my mouth shut, those are pointless. Why? Because we are here to support and not to ruin other people’s lives or career. These people makes us happy every single day so why spread the BV. “Are we threatened?” That’s actually a good question. Were you fighting because your ‘celebrity crushes’ are bashed? Yes they may need someone to fight for them but there are still more relevant things to fight for. Their accomplishments in the industry will speak for them. Those people who are NOT threatened would simply ignore all the BVs going around. We are not convincing them to love what we love. Let them choose what they want to choose. Basta tayo… SOLID!

‘Yun lang 🙂

 

 

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STAND UP: Overcoming brokenheart

“B-r-r-r-ingggg” says the alarm clock. “Really? sleeping time is over? No, I bet I’m just dreaming” my brain said. With half-opened eyes, I shut the alarm off,. No sooner did I drift off to sleep, again.than, I heard a muffled sound calling my name. I sat up but convinced myself the sound had been , “Just a dream”,and laid down again. Someone tapped my back and said, “Daughter, you’re late”. . Let’s face it, one of the most challenging part of the day is drag your sleepy head to prepare for the day’s work.

Continue reading “STAND UP: Overcoming brokenheart”

BREAKING DOWN THE WALLS

I am a Pastor’s Kid.

“What does it feel like?” my colleagues asked. The question was not surprising especially for Pastor’s kids who are often called PKs. In fact, the topic might be a conversation starter for some but also a social barrier for many. I myself can attest to both. I believe, the same is true for those who grew up with Christian parents. People are often intimidated by the fact that we grew up in a Christian home. Most of these kids turn out to be timid, a few become leaders, while others rebel, turning away from the path of their parents. The role seems to put you on a spotlight while everyone watches your every move, expecting only good values from you. Thus, PKs struggle.

Continue reading “BREAKING DOWN THE WALLS”

“TOGETHER, STAY STILL, STAY STRONG”

The sound of Budyong was heard from the north. Mangyan students hurried back and forth from their sleeping quarters, preparing themselves for the start of their school day. An hour passed, the teacher enters the classroom and the students greeted her ‘Good morning Ate!’. They all waited until their ‘Ate’ or teacher stood with them to start the class on their usual routine, singing. And their song goes like this, “Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth, would care to know my name, would care to feel my hurt…”, the Mangyan students’ favorite song.

Continue reading ““TOGETHER, STAY STILL, STAY STRONG””

THE RISE TO FAME OF PORK

“I invoke my right to self-incrimination”, she said. In a matter of seconds, social media are flooded with memes from netizens around the country. It is officially a punched line for many Filipinos.

Print media, released the first breaking news of pork barrel scam, through principal witness Ben-Hur Luy. Philippine Daily Inquirer released the article exposing the number of senators and congressman using their Philippine Development Assistance Fund, PDAF, to fund ghost projects. By this time, the alleged involvement of Janet Napoles began circulating around print, TV, radio and the web. Despite of her denial of the accusation, Filipino citizens did not stay silent and spoke through the power of the airwaves. On July 26, social media made noise as photos of Janet Napoles’ daughter, Jean Napoles, reveals their lavish lifestyle, believed to be a proof misuse of government fund. This, started the uproar of netizens over the issue of PDAF. While print media exposed the scam, tapping government officials to act upon, social media brought the news to fame, calling netizens alike to speak up through the web.

Continue reading “THE RISE TO FAME OF PORK”

FROM UNKNOWN TO UNEXPECTED DIRECTION

Frederick Estilloso, a youth coordinator and worship leader, now head of evangelism ministry, at his young age of 24, is a former project-based staff of Philippine Bible Society, PBS, but left the organization for the sole purpose of making himself available for the ministry of winning souls on a more personal level.

Leaving your comfort zone is a hard decisions, especially if you are choosing between what you want and what others need. Frederick Estilloso, a youth coordinator and worship leader, now head of evangelism ministry, at  24, is a former project-based staff of Philippine Bible Society, PBS. He left the organization for the purpose of making himself available for the ministry of winning souls on a more personal level.

Continue reading “FROM UNKNOWN TO UNEXPECTED DIRECTION”

Unseen. Untold. Unspoken

What if they are not your own? How to care and love?

Have you ever wondered, what is it like to take on a role of a parent and take good care of kids that are not your own? Who do you think embody this the most? In my opinion they are the guardians of the kids of our Overseas Filipino Workers. We salute our OFW parents and our hearts go with them as we hear their stories of brokenness, longing and pain. Like many other stories, theirs has two obvious sides – the parent and the children – but there is the unseen and the untold, the guardian. Ms. Bituin Santiago, age 28, gave us a glimpse of the unspoken story of those taking the role as a parent in an OFW world.

Continue reading “Unseen. Untold. Unspoken”

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