I am 26 years old and a Pastors Kid. Let me confess something… I fell in love with an 18 year old guy. We were together in the church. We are in the same ministry for over 5 years now. I saw him grew up. I saw him attend the Sunday School classes. I never thought of this guy until I have gotten to know him better over a year ago. I think, he was around 13 when he became part of the Music Team. I have been in the team for three years before he came along. Every week we meet but we occasionally talk.
That changed when he was around 17. Nagkataon na nagkakwentuhan kami while in a bus. For five hours we were just having a good conversation. We happened to get to know more about each other from there. That’s when I started to finally notice him and admire his personality. I admired his sweetness towards his sister and mom. I admired his perseverance to play the bass and the drums. I admired the way he can put up a conversation with me. I admired his gentlemanly manners. I admired his thoughts and the way it flows in his young mind.
After that moment, I never intended to get private conversations. We usually do it every time I wash the dishes. So, nagkakataon lang. I admired him but never did I do something to get his attention or take his time from friends and from the ministry. If anyone will check our chat conversations people will know that we don’t usually chat all the time. We never set time and places to spend time with just the two of us. It was always with other people. After all, there are no chances to talk exclusively because the other members of the team should get a fair share of my time. But many of them witnessed how I smiled when he’s around. Some even observed how I light up every time I see him. I frequently ask him the same question that I ask with others, “Kamusta ka?”. Never in my mind crossed the idea of telling him my admiration because there was no room for that. Yet I did tell him how I enjoy conversations with him. And, we usually talk about not love but about random things… “what we think about this and that”, “our spiritual life”, “our testimonies” or updates sa families namin particularly sa kanya.
He was just different from the other guys that I know. Some are older than him but not as mature as him. For over a year, I prayed that may the admiration eventually fade. Tuloy ang buhay, ang ministry, ang work at iba pang responsibilites. Our interaction was as normal as the others. There were times back then na hindi kami nagkakausap. Ilang buwan din yata na halos wala kaming chat conversation. Hindi ko rin sya hinahanap hanap sa tuwing busy ako sa work. But yes, I light up kapag nakikita ko na sya.
Chill lang ang admiration na yon until this June na napansin ko ng dumidiskarte siya. I enjoyed his diskarte so I did not guard my heart and went along with it. Until July came at umamin na sya. He confessed, thinking na matitigil na rin siya sa admiration niya. MY FAULT? Umamin din ako at naging MU (Magulong Usapan) kami. I thought that was a form of release din. But I eventually sought na maging masaya with keeping him around. Nabulag ako and I’ve been dumbfounded with the ‘kilig’ brought about by his confession. I enjoyed his attention yet I know that there are limits so I did not demand his time and attention lalo na kapag nasa school siya. He believes that I deserve those but I know na hindi ako dapat ang priority nya. We only chat in the early morning or in the evening kapag pwede sya. He occassionally chats kapag nasa school because we both agreed na mas dapat nya pang ayusin pag-aaral nya not for me but for his family. There was one-time na gusto nya ako alalahanin but we made a deal na priority niya pa rin family niya. So, I didn’t demand him to reach me out especially kapag may kailangan sya gawin with his family.
I, on the otherhand, started looking for work again and enrolled to a class. Technically, we decided to act better in our own responsibilities so we won’t drown ourselves with exclusivity especially because there’s still a lot going on in his life. BIGGEST FAULT? We never told our parents about this. Not one of our family members know about us.
He said that our ‘magulong relationship’ will just be for the meantime. He did that because he doesn’t want na maiwan ako sa ere. Two weeks after our confession, we escalated from being MU to MMU (Mas Magulong Usapan) because we eventually allowed ourselves to hug and kiss. ANOTHER MAJOR FAULT? We skipped our concept of making God the center of everything.
On the third week of our foolishness and stupidity, someone saw us kissing. I guess, that was God’s way of waking us up from our dreamy state. Because of that, he decided to immediately stop everything. I did not stop crying that night. Why? Because I love him. My feelings intensified when he started making diskarte. Hindi ako handa to let go but I know I should and my selfishness was wrong. Minsan lang maging selfish pero hindi pa rin pwede. Even if I’ll tell myself na makakahanap ako ng guy within my age, I cannot yet process the idea in my head that I will let this guy go. As much as I wanted to wait, he wanted to fix things na rin for the sake of both of us. I know that he was right. Our relationship with our families, our relationship with our team and the youth and the church are at stake.
The next day I confessed with two of my closest and most trusted team members. They were okay with “us” but they said that we really failed with keeping it from the people who should have known it in the first place. My sister said the same thing but of course she was momentarily disappointed because I hid it from her. She even said that if I truly love the person… “Maging selfish ka naman, ate”. Yet I know, I must let go because if I truly love the person I should let him fix his things first. There were others questioning me kung bakit ko siya pinatulan, sabi nila… “I am old enough to know right from wrong.” Some trusted me so much so they did not expect such failure from me. Was it wrong to fall in love with a guy younger than I am?
In all honesty, gusto kong tanungin… If he was my age will they question me like this? He passed the checklist except for one… his age. Not religion, not estate… it is HIS AGE. Some of my friends say that ‘age doesn’t matter’ kaya okay lang for them. Moreover, he is a Christian and he is in the ministry. And, they both knew us so well. They have witnessed our stories before the past month happened, so they understood. They observed that we had feelings for each other but we did not confessed early on. It took us a year before we fell into the trap. We failed because we kept it as a secret from everyone. I failed because I chose to be selfish that time and did not think of what others might actually think.
We decided to go back to our normal lives and end that episode of ours. But I know, nahihirapan pa rin siya because he wanted so badly to tell it to his family. Ako rin, I had to deal with people that I owe the story especially my Father who is our Pastor. I am brokenhearted but I need to move forward. I wanted so badly to help him confess since this is all my fault. If I did not confess my feelings to him that night, none of these will ever happen. If I just acted as the bigger person, none of these will ever happen.
I wrote everything because I wanted to let the people see the big picture not just the excerpt of the story from those who told them. I wanted to let them see my timeline and my thoughts. I cannot please everyone but I hope they realize na tao lang din ako. Natatanga din ako sa pag-ibig. Kahit na gaano ka pa talaga katatag babagsak at babagsak ka if you will not guard your heart. Everyone falls at times. In my case, this is that time. I do not regret that I fell in love with him. Right now, I still love the guy and I am still hurting. I only regret that I did not deal with this relationship properly. I should have respected our parents more than anything else. We should have had waited on God’s next move for the both of us. We had been giddy excited with our feelings that we fail to look outside and seek the ultimate Writer of the story. We had been selfish and tried to be happy on our own terms. I know, I cannot turn back time but if I could do so, I would have waited and prayed for us.
I miss him… sobra… but I know I deserve to suffer like this. There are a few people na hindi ako naiintindihan… yet I guess I also deserve that. I am still in pain. Sobrang sakit. Funny. This is the first time that I have to sleep in the middle of the day just so I can escape the sadness. And now, I understand the pain they were saying kapag gumigising ka sa umaga. Yung feeling na, sana hindi ka na lang nagising and you feel lost? It was a weird feeling. I am letting God mend my heart right now. Hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan yung sakit but I have to deal with the pain while dealing with the mess. Lesson learned sa isang masakit na paraan but I deserve that.
Hindi laging mataas ang lipad ko. Sumasadsad, nagkakamali at nadadapa rin ako. What I am simply asking is a chance for forgiveness and an opportunity to fix the mess. I have been always generous with my time and resources to other people. Halos ngayon na lang ulit ako naging selfish para sa sarili ko pero hindi pala talaga pwede at hindi pala talaga tama.